Part 4: Heero Barton
By Erica And Harmony
Disclaimer: oy....these things suck! Well, you know the drill....
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*Sunday*
Jade: Hello, Heero!
Heero: I’m surprised Trowa’s not still here.....
Jade: oh, from what I hear, hes the only one who doesn’t have a problem with this whole thing...i guess its because he and Hilde and everyone get along okay.....
Heero: so, show me where I sleep...
Jade: *points to the couch*
Heero starts to set up camp....literally. He puts up a tent, and inside of it, there are posters from the Earth Sphere Rifle Association and also guns duct taped everywhere......
Triage: Oh, hi Mr. Yuy... MR. YUY?!?!?!?!?! WTF?!?!?!
Heero: nice to see you, too Triage...did you do your homework from summer school? *pulls out a gun*
Triage: *runs away to do his homework*
Heero: I thought so...
Jade: *walks back in* did you just threaten my son with a rifle?
Heero: not just any rifle... an early version of the CZ75! [1]
Jade: wow, haven’t seen one of those in ages DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE?!?!?!?!
Heero: Would you like to see it?
Jade: ......sure........*looks at the gun* wow, this is better than even most of my guns!
Heero: let me see them!!!
Jade leads Heero into a secret that even trowa doesn’t know about. Her and Nova are the only ones who’ve ever been there. The walls are covered from floor to ceiling with guns.
Heero: Colt .45's, .44 magnums, HOLY SHIT A HOT-LOADED [2] .33 CALIBUR ARMOR PIERCING?!?!?!
Jade: yep, its my little baby.
Heero: can I...........hold it?
Jade: okay, but BE CAREFUL!
Heero: *grabs the gun and aims at a Saddam Hussein target and hits it square between the eyes* perfect!
Nova kicks the door in
Nova: MOM!
Echo: mom, mom....mom....mom
Heero: *drops the gun with the really long name*
Jade: *gasp* YOU BROKE IT! YOU MORON! *to Nova* now, what did you want, honey?
Nova: ..........nothing *walks out VERY slowly*
Heero grabs the CZ75, while Jade takes the Hot-loaded pistol. They both shoot at different targets from 20 yards away.
Jade: Heres mine. *picks up hers, which has a giant hole in the middle of the head*
Heero: *picks up his, which has one hole in the middle of the head* Hn.
Jade: you only shot once?
Heero: *goes behind the target, whips out a knife, and starts cutting into the wall. He and Jade see about 15 bullets perfectly lined up* nope.
Jade: *dumbstruck* .....*doing a Trowa impression*
Heero: hey, i’m the perfect soldier, i have to do that!
Jade: .....so?
Nova walks in.........................Again.
Nova: mom, you showed him this?
Jade: yeah, but look what he did!
Nova: *looks at it* holy shit hes better than me!
Heero: of course I am......
Nova and Jade look at Heero.....
Jade and Nova: teach me everything!!!!!!!
Heero: .......
Later.....
Heero: oh my god this tastes like food! *shoves the casserole in his mouth*
Ariel: you mean you actually have to put up with Mrs. Yuy’s horrible cooking?
Heero: *with roll in mouth* .....
Ariel: oh, my god, you do!
Heero: yeah, or i have to sleep on the couch again..... what, you thought we ate out every night?
Ariel: well, sort of...i mean Shingo’s always at your house, so when Mrs. Yuy cooks he eats it all....
Heero: she just makes more....
Jade & Nova: *look at each other*......HERE HAVE ALL YOU WANT!!!! *shove a bunch of food to Heero*
Heero: im still not going to teach you and im not giving you my CZ75!
Jade: ................damn
Nova: PLEASE!!!!! I’LL PAY YOU!!!! TRIAGE HAS TONS OF MONEY!!!!!!!
Triage: yeah, i .....heeeeeeeeeey............
Heero: no.
Nova: I’LL SIGN YOU UP FOR WEIGHT WATCHERS!!!!!
Heero: .............
Nova: X.x..............o_o................*slowly getting his hopes up* ^o^
Heero: *grabs the poor boy’s shirt* No!
Nova: Damn.....put me down, you!
Heero: *drop*
*Monday*
Triage: um... Mr. Yuy....
Heero: *eating Coco Puffs* yes?
Triage: COULD I PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASE HAVE SOME CEREAL??????
Heero: ..................no.
Triage: then what’ll i eat?
Heero: *pushes a bowl of what appears to be black mold towards him* Relena made some food for me to eat....
Triage: When?
Heero: a couple of weeks ago
Triage: i’m not hungry anymore......
A couple minutes afterwards........
Ariel: *enters the room* Mr. Yuy....my dad is normally my knife throwing target, but since hes not here, could i use you instead?
Heero: *eats his Coco Puffs*
Ariel: well?
Heero: LET ME FINISH!! *drinks all the milk* okay, i guess so....
In the practice room.........
Ariel: *ties up Heero to a big circle and spins it, then walks away* okay, you ready?
Heero: not really, but....okay
Ariel: *starts throwing knives at Heero*
Heero: oh, shit......what the hell have i gotten myself into?
Jade: *stops the circle*
Heero: *sees two Jades and two Novas standing next to him*
Nova: Now will you teach us?
Heero: ..............
Jade: Ariel, throw the knife.....well, you know where
Heero: *watches ariel throw the knife towards his...*ahem* and manages to move out of the way*
Jade: O_O
Nova: i know.....how did he do that and stay on the board?
Heero: i dont know...i think its called Erica and Harmony are running out of ideas!
Jade: ooooohhhh....
Nova: thought so.....
Harmony: *from above* HEY! Dont make me do something youll be kicking yourself for later....
Nova and Jade: ......
That night....
Ariel: *spoonfeeding some food to Heero* .....and Mom was going to make you eat some of the food Mrs. Yuy brought over a few days ago, but then she decided that even you didn’t deserve that kind of punishment
Heero: *still tied to the giant circle* thank god for that!
Ariel: well, I had to convince her not to.....
*Flashback to an hour ago*
Ariel: mom, please do not make him eat this...
Jade: no...he should be punished
Ariel: *opens up the bowl of relena’s cooking* smell this
Jade: *sniffs it and passes out*
Ariel: so, thats why she let you eat real food
Heero: oooh....
Ariel: why dont you just teach them how to be skilled with a gun?
Heero: because i am nothing like the one who taught me. From the time i was 2 till i was 8, i was raised by Odin Lowe. He taught me how to use a gun. By the time i was 9, i was firing machine guns at OZ troops.....
Ariel: i always wondered about that.....
Heero: *still reminiscing* i was a cute kid......
Ariel: yeah. Sure. Are you full yet?
Heero: im fine
Ariel: okay *starts throwing knives at Heero*
Heero: *dodges knives, while still babbling about how cute he was*
*Tuesday*
Triage: these Coco puffs are good!
Heero: Coco.....Puffs......
Triage: want some?
Heero: yes...please!
Triage: too bad! *goes upstairs*
In the shooting room.....
Triage: can I try?
Jade: sure......but don’t hit me!
Triage: *fires some shots and doesn’t miss*
Jade: O_O......THAT’S IT!
Later.....
Jade: oh, Heero! We learned your secret!
Heero: NOO!
Jade: its the Coco Puffs....isn’t it?
Heero: -.- suuuure........
Jade: but it has to be! Triage ate the Coco puffs and he was almost good!
Triage: Yeah! I was! Hey, wait a minute!
Heero: it’s not the Coco Puffs.
Jade: *leaves the room, turns around, and throws her gun at the door* DAMN YOU HEERO!
Heero: *to himself* ....wouldn’t it be funny if i’d heared that?
Suddenly a Chibi Heero dressed as an angel appears on Heero’s right shoulder, while one dressed as a devil appears on his left, and a Chibi Odin appears on his head.....
Angel Chibi Heero: Just tell them how to be good with a gun!
Devil Chibi Heero: No, dont!
Chibi Odin: ......
Heero: aren’t you gonna say something?
Chibi Odin: nope.
Angel Chibi Heero: then why are you even here?
Chibi Odin: cuz Erica felt like putting me here
Devil Chibi Heero: then leave!
Chibi Odin: okay. *disappears*
Angel Chibi Heero: now where were we?
Heero: you guys were arguing over wether or not i should tell Nova and Jade how to shoot right.
Devil Chibi Heero: oh okay
The argue for a while, until Nova comes down the stairs to feed Heero his lunch....
Nova: Here. Ill be taking these *grabs the Chibi Heero’s*
Two more appear on heeros shoulders, while a new Chibi Heero appears. This one is dressed up as....a cat
Heero: who are you?
Chibi Heero Kitty: im you on Halloween
Heero: i never dressed up on Halloween!
Chibi Heero Kitty: oh....*changes int spandex and a tank top* how’s that?
Heero: okay...but why do you look so fat?
Chibi Heero: im you today!
Heero: grrr... im not fat!
Chibi Heero: yes you are! *leaves before the Devil and Angel Heero’s can kill him*
*Wednesday*
Heero: OMAE O KOROSU!!!!!!!!!
Jade: *walks down the stairs* what the hell is it???
Heero: they’re yelling at me!
Jade: who?
Heero: *looks around* where’d they go?
Jade: that’s it....i’m soundproofing these doors...
She walks out, and all the little Chibi Heeros reappear all over the room, dressed in all sorts of costumes, and in all sizes
Chibi Heero: *dressed as Harry Potter* Put a mind warping spell on them so that they wont wanna know about guns!
Chibi Heero: *dressed as Inu-Yasha* no use the Tetsusaiga on them!
Chibi Heero: *dressed as Kagome* no, Inu-Heero! Sit boy!
Chibi Hereo/Inu-Yasha: *falls on the ground* ow.
Chibi Heero: *as Sae from Peach Girl* You should sleep with Jade!
Chibi Heero: *as Momo from Peach Girl* Sae!
Chibi Heero: *as Kiley from PG* I love you Momo!
Chibi Heero: *as Momo* hands off, fishface!
Heero: stop arguing!
Chibi Heero: *as Shingo* god, what are you guys, my dad?
Heero: yeah, shut up!
Chibi Heero/Shingo: i was right about something?? =_= WOW!!!
Chibi: Heero/Sailor Mars: its a miracle!!!!!
Right about then, they all disappear, and in walks Nova
Nova: time for food...oh yeah the soundproofers will be here soon, but mom didnt tell them that-
Heero: that you’re holding me hostage?
Nova: (|)_(|) yeah, you could say that......
Heero: could i pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase have my Coco Puffs?
Nova: i guess...
Nova leaves and out pop the Chibi Heeros!
Chibi Heero: *as Duo* ahhh..you know my sis! She’ll let you go at the end of the week...
Chibi Heero/Akane: are you sure?
Chibi Heero/Duo: ....i dont know........
Heero: could you please leave me alone!!!!!
Chibi Heeros: *leave*
suddenly, a new chibi appears....only this one is not heero, its harmony!
Heero: what are you doing here? Your supposed to be writing!
Harmony: ericas writing, cuz I WANTED TO BE IN THE GODDAMN STORY!!!!
Erica: *from above* Yeah, i control Haruka-chan! (Thats what our friends call Harmony)
Heero: oh, i know you now, youre the one who reminds me of my spawn! Tell me something harmony, does everyone call you “Haruka”?
Harmony: *doing jumping jacks* yes! ERICA STOP THAT!!!!!!
Erica: but its fun! *recieves death glare* okay....
Harmony: *stops* there. Now, ive got a plan....
Heero: what is it?
Harmony takes out a knife. She looks as if she is about to plunge it into heero’s chest when she suddenly stops two inches away from him.
Harmony: you fell for it!
Heero: fell for what?
Harmony: ill tell you in the morning *goes to sleep*
Heero: grr.
Harmony: *wakes up* you growled at me you dingus! *turns the wheel upside-down and goes back to bed*
*Thursday*
Harmony: ....I think Erica’s running out of ideas again......
Heero: *still upside down, with a red face* grrrrrr.....
Harmony: *turns him right side up* hello again
Heero: *struggles to try and slap Harmony* grrrrr.....
Harmony: *poke* bad heero
Heero: you....better stop poking me, or im gonna bite you when i get off this thing.
Harmony: no you wouldnt cuz id sic Relena on you
Heero: ............okay.
Harmony: i got a plan for you to escape.....
Heero: okay, tell me.....
Harmony told Heero her plan and then began to excecute it......Nova and Jade and everyone didnt feel like feeding him that day, bcuz I MADE THEM LAZY!!!!!
Harmony: *uses her knife to cut the leather straps* there.
Heero: that was your master plan?
Harmony: hey, be grateful.
Heero: okay....
Suddenly, Zechs bursts in!!!!
Zechs: YUY! WHY DIDNT YOU INVITE ME INTO THIS GAME?!
Heero: dont blame me, blame your sister. Besides, its not all its cracked up to be.....
Zechs: How so?
Heero: well, Duo and Shingo keep beating each other up, Quatre forgot his Prozac, Wufei, my spawn and Relena have gotten into my liquor WHAT?! MY LOQUOR’S GONE!!!! and im being held hostage.
Zechs: what about Trowa?
Heero: find out when Erica gets over her goddamn writer’s block and STOPS MAKING ME DO ALL THESE FUCKED UP THINGS!!!!
Zechs: oh ok. *leaves*
later....
Harmony: how did you know all these things...youre not supposed to find out until the end....?
Heero: well, ...i dont know.
Triage: mom, i think someones down there with Mr. Yuy....
Jade: how?....that room is soundproof
Triage:........I.....I have superhearing!
Jade, Nova, &Ariel: ....
They decide to go down the stairs to the room. When they get there, heero is all by himeself, so they just leave.
*Friday*
Harmony: now....i have no clue as to what my plan is.....cuz im justa figment of your imagination. You have gone legally insane.
Heero: ...*trowa impression*
Harmony: the only thing thats kept you sane over all the years of dealing with your bitch of a wife and crazy, perverted, and REALLY FUCKING HOT son is you daily bowl of coco puffs. The Barton family has been depriving you of those coco puffs
Heero: so i can control you too?
Harmony: I’d rather you didn’t.
Heero: so i can make you go away?
Harmony: yes.
Heero: *Makes her dissappear* there....I WANT COCO PUFFS ITS NOT FAIR I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS IM THE PERFECT SOLDIER!!!!!
Upstairs....
Jade: did you hear something?
Nova: actually, yes.
Ariel: dont you think its time to let him out?
Jade: okay, i guess....
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Erica: Whelp send us a review! Triage_Barton@yahoo.com
Harmony: RukaKitty@yahoo.com
Erica: as always, my web page is http://triage.homestead.com/7th_Circle_Of_Hell.html
Harmony: yeah, shes been updating a lt more lately now that she finally figured out that the computers at the library can run the homestead site builder....
[1] CZ75: a gun accurate from up to 25 yard (75 feet). It is easier to hold and made of a harder metal than most guns.
[2] Hot-Loaded: ammo packed with more than the usual amount of gunpowder. Generally not available commercially
Source: Gunsmith Cats, Volume 1: Bonnie and Clyde
Harmony: *to erica* is heero free yet?
Erica: yes.
Harmony: ...........I WILL GLOMP HIM TO HELL AND BACK! * runs to go get him*
Chibi Heero/Hermione Granger: What an idiot!